Thoughts on My Life

I can't even imagine what is in store for this year.

Its the end of the 1st week of school and all I have to say is okay.

its started out good, all the roommates are fun, and we all get along just fine. I knew we would. But I feel like there are some major changes in progress. I don't know what they are or what is to become of them, but I like it. I feel something grand will happen.

hopefully LaMonica and I are still going to work things out.
I am not going to lie, our relationship is becoming very hard, mostly because when new things enter a relationship it puts weight between them. Its hard, but everything should work out. We both love each other and have the faith to work it all out.

:D

So I feel like once again I am at a big turning point in my life. This time I can see it coming and I know what can happen. Its like I can fully understand my decisions. I am now just about to head into my 4th year and wow this has been some crazy ride. Don't really know where my life is going right now, I am content with not knowing, finally....geez. I can submit to just being here and not needed a future. It will come when it comes I guess.

but I still have such a obscure view of this world. Something that really doesn't fit. I wish I could just break away from it.

I don't want to work a job that I hate and not be able to do things I want to do. Sure I could probably get a high paying job, but you have to work twice as hard just to get that job then the job itself is twice as time consuming. I don't think its worth it to have lots of money and not have the time to even spend it.

But I will probably end up just having a mediocre life with a mediocre job. Its almost destined for some like me.

Though I will always have the thoughts in the back of my head of doing something outrageous and totally against this world.

My dream is to just be a nomad, wander around the world, picking up little labor jobs here and there and just meet tons of people. I wish I could, but I don't know how probable or possible that is.

anyways, I came here to confess that my life consists of getting high and going to school and working for my mom. Just typing that out made it sound so much worse than I thought. Its not the greatest life, but its what I have done. Anyday now I could change it, but comfortable is always stronger than fear.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want my freedom back. I want a motive. I want something more than this. I want something different. I want my own.

luckily I have one person by my side...I hope I never ruin things with my irrational thoughts.
She is probably the only thing that keeps me running, but maybe a breakdown is what I need.

maybe my life needs to just become something worse before it gets better. I wish I had some strength within myself to make it to where I want to be.

From the outside things look fine. I am a college kid with opportunities open ahead surrounded by supporting family and a loving girlfriend, healthy, and full of potential.

On the inside is just a scared little boy trying to find something.

To elaborate on cesar's angry passage at Tim. Its something that has really consumed my thoughts ever since I met him. He is an odd guy, which is funny because he thinks he is normal and fits right in with the rest of the world. oh, but soon he will realize how far from reality he is. I feel really sorry for the guy. since getting to know him, he had a horrible childhood filled with other kids calling him gay and he couldn't handle it anymore, so he decides to make major changes in his life to avoid anymore hurt. Well, it just so happens that those changes didn't help much. They just created new problems, but I believe that's just a part of change, always going to be a consequence. So his life changes were going from wearing raver pants and polo's to wearing 80 dollars shirts and 200 dollar pants. Yet, for some reason he still can't get over the way he looks...worries constantly about whether or not his belt, yes I did not mispell that, his belt making him look fat! So all this worrying about his looks came from all that hurt that those horrible kids did. It really sucks, because now he is just a huge attention whore trying to fit as closely as possible to the image of a popular man. His style comes out straight from an ad. His personality is a fake, always trying to say the right thing to make everything better. He has the biggest potential to be a good friend, he shows it every now and then, but usually gets pounded in the face by his cloak of "fakeness" Its hard for me to watch him struggle through his problems because he is going about it the wrong way. He always uses the excuse "Oh its for me to feel better, not to impress" bunch of hickity lickty mutha fuckin bull. I could go on and on about how much Tim needs to open his eyes and shut his mouth and let the world be his own and not let the world consume him.

lack of social life
lack of love life
lack of reality

These are your problems Tim. social life is not your problem, you have to take control of it and force people to hang out with you, its the only way. Why do I always push you guys to do things, because you would never do it on your own. You have to do the same thing to others. everybody including me would love to hear "hey Adriel, come hang out with me tonight" but it never happens, so start taking control and force people to hang out.

Your love life is a fucking joke time, a homeless guy on the corner of university has a better chance than your fake ass. Game is an illusion. You need to understand, the way you are presenting yourself to women is disgusting and it makes them think "hey this guys thinks I am hot and wants to do me." You are playing game, which means you are faking it to get in their pants. If you want a fucking beautiful loving girlfriend that takes care of you and its always there for you a.k.a loves you then stop being a fucking douche towards women and BE YOURSELF, not a fucking tool that was machined from a few "get laid now" books. Every women you meet you have fallen in love with because they said Hi to you. Jesus fucking christ Tim! You don't even know what you want, you just accept them because they are the only thing in front of you. STOP STOP STOP being a douche and wait. Obviously those books don't help or you would be getting laid every night. If that is what you want the be my guest and fuck around. but your always saying you are lonely, a fuck is not going to cure that. a fuck is a fuck. Ask cesar if he is any happier from this past weekend. most likely not, sure maybe a little less horny, but its the same old Cesar. Solution: Stop trying and just talk to women like they are your friend. stop playing them and showing them the douche side of Tim. If you want love then show them the love that you possess by just being yourself. Accept it Tim, you aren't a ladies man. Never will be. Your life will improve if you just stop trying.

and Lastly, Lack of reality
What you think is reality is not, its an image. Close your eyes and mouth and just listen to the real world. The OC has its reality, if you want that then go for it, but I hope to god you dont come crawling back crying saying they hurt you more than they did as a child because sir that is the cruelest world right there, they dont accept anything else but their own. Solution: be open minded about everything. try new things you never thought you would and see what happens, if you still haven't found anything then go back to your known place a comfort.

One last thing, I don't like being used for you to feel better about yourself. If you don't want to be seen in public with us then don't go. You never seem to like to be in public when you are with us. I hate that you try to be better than us, probably the worst part about you, because it hurts other people.

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Now playing: Michael Jackson - Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
http://foxytunes.com/artist/michael+jackson/track/wanna+be+startin+somethin

So Cesar, Tim and I tried Salvia divinorum 15x

So I read up on some stuff about it before hand and watch a few videos of people trip's. It looks fun, so up in hollywood I got some from a random smoke shop.

Last night we were all just like alright...so I go first. Like two good hits of that stuff and the world was trying to spin, but I wasn't letting it. If that makes any sense. Like I could see Cesar and tim trying to spin clockwise up to about 45 degrees, but kept going back down and repeating over and over while my body felt tons of force upon it and was going the other way and almost made me want to throw up. and then my perception was all off. Time was going by without me knowing it. I hear them talking about one thing, then the next thing I know they are totally different subject. I felt like I was floating for a second right after the last hit. Fun stuff, I recommend people do it. Oh yeah, I couldn't stop laughing it was that fun and crazy.

Cesar was just laughing hysterically and saying that his body felt "super fucking heavy" and his cheeks felt like they were going to rip off/melt off his face. He got really warm and started icth and getting red.

Tim, this was his first time smoking anything! so salvia was his first hit of any drug. He seemed to have the best trip. He thought he was in a futuristic boat suit and felt like he was going somewhere. but his head and below his knees were like wait where are we going. and he said he knew there was boat around him, but he couldnt see the boat. he just knew what it looked like and could feel that it was around him.

overall, good stuff. Tuesday Nights we will just start triping after hooters. haha.

shit, I haven't touched this journal in forever. Mostly because time is short now. Living with LaMonica and being around each other is amazing, but at the same time. Alone time is small. I get maybe two hours a day to myself. We both agreed we need our alone time. It just gives us a little space to breathe and think about other things than each other. Its nothing bad, but just necessary. She is over in AZ for the Christmas and its like two weeks. just a little too much time! I like maybe a day, but more than that and its just like ughhh....why!?

Lately  she has been a girl, lol. it sounds harsh, but to me. LaMonica doesnt follow any of those girly stereotypes like bitching and whining and un-trusting of you, and all those lame things you hear from your friends. She never used to do that. but lately she has been going there a bit. but It all relates back to me.
I dont show enough love and she becomes like this.

see what I have figured out is that girls have these expectations that need to be meet and if they are not met then they become the bitchy whiny lets cause drama girls.

Our situation is a tricky one. Living with each other is a different story from when I used to drive 40 minutes 3-5 times a week to go see her.

I used to put that extra effort into her because I know that I would not see her again for awhile, so I made sure that I showed her what I was and what I can give her. Spending money on her, taking her places, doing things like crazy!. It was also summer and I had nothing to do so time was good and I had nothing to do but be with her.

Now that I have school stress on one hand, a gf on the other. all while juggling my (what LaMonica thinks is depression, but I just think its being normal.) thoughts of the future, responsibilities, what little hobbies I have, and the stresses about friends (I will talk later about). Sometimes it feels like I dont have enough time, or I am just not doing good time management. I am starting too feel that I am getting caught up with the day and not knowing where I am going with it. I used to have tons of time to just jerk off, but now I always have something I either need to get done or plan on getting it done.

life is so blah, sure I have an amazing girlfriend, probably one of the only things that keeps me from crying myself to sleep every night. I am never happy with myself. I feel like I have stopped trying to live. I have gave up. My dreams are just dreams, just like everybody else. I don't think I will ever be totally happy with life. and just knowing that there is happiness out there, makes contentment feel like shit. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have fucked with my brain so much with random thoughts that I feel crazy to the extent to where I should put myself through therapy.

right now I am a fat friendless college kid that has no path to take and is scared of choosing a path. How hopeful does that sound!?!? horrible...horrible.

so yeah friends, I have none. I have tim. Cesar is being a real ass lately, becoming more selfish than ever. His asshole ways are not even assholish anymore, they are just selfish. Never offering a hand, always being forced to do things. Its a pity to watch him drown in his sorrows and not want to try to live a little. Tim just has some issues that prevent him from being himself. I have caught a few glimpses of it and he isn't a bad guy. He is just afraid of showing it because of his painful past. I'm trying to offer him some advice and help him by doing certain things.

other than that I have no friends. Everyone I used to know has gone a different way, or not even that just simply decided to not want to talk to me. It seems that if I dont put any effort into a friendship it dies like that. a snap of a finger and they are gone. Why? is it because when I choose friends I put all the effort into it and they just gain a friend by me trying? I don't understand, everyone always tells me "its cool to hang out with you" "your a good guy" "your always fun to be around." all this shit means nothing because nobody ever wants to even try to talk to me. in the last quarter, I did not get one random phone call, message or anything from anyone. Its like they forget about me. It really hurts because I try to make there day better by just hanging out and doing random things that nobody else would do with them. as I say "I am always down" if you need me I am there. Do people just not think that deeply about it? I feel so isolated, I have nobody to just call up and be like hey lets go. pretty much tldr: my friendships don't last because I stopped putting all the effort into it. now that I think about it. I dont think I have ever had someone want to be my friend. I have always flocked to them. I doubt it would ever happen though.

yeah so on a scale of life. I give it a 6 out of 10.

So I have noticed that this whole technology thing is subtle about its isolation. All techonogically advancing companies say that this will "keep you connected" or make it easier for you to keep it touch. but the problem is that there is no effort in producing that conversation and/or connection. it seems so casual and surfaced to talk to somebody online. there is no experience with it, no memories. I have never felt so disconnected with people I have meet in the past.

so this miranda multi-IM protocol thing is really hard to use, even though it seems simple...lol I guess this is for computer-nerds. I just like it because its really low on memory usage, my laptop can't handle much anymore :( I need a new one

LaMonica taught me to smile without it being cheezy looking. I could never force a smile on my face and make it look right, but now I can! yay...

I wish I could start a trend of making LA water the dominant "jug" drink at parties, rather than gross jungle juice.

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." - Guillaume Apollinaire

I am now starting to be happy with the life I led, and I feel more secure about my future. My views are changing and I have become more satisfied with the life I have made and the life that I will lead. Contentment is not far from were I stand as of now.

Its a fight between emotion and logic. Which one will win? Is their a winner? Let's try to call this one a tie.

Sooo Perth, Australia from july 13th to the 22nd. Im actually leaving late on the 11th but miss a whole day on a plane -_-. So I'm planning on doing alot of stuff on my own: Im going to be feeding koloas and kangaroos, sandboarding, taking a dip in the indian ocean, Maybe see the Wave Rock, Maybe try some nightlife in Perth, opening my taste buds to some australian food, maybe some snokerling off the coast on rottnest's island. Hopefully I get to meet some cool kids there and hang out for a few days, I mean I have 10 days and about 8 of those are on my own. I wish I had someone I knew to come with me, but at the same time it might be a good experience to travel young by myself. I am just worried it is going to suck because I am by myself. Maybe ill have one of those "find myself" trips. *chuckle* but anyways I have enough stuff to keep me busy, I hope this trip is what I make it out to be. I might even just not come back if it is that good.

Im super excited for this trip. Haven't been this excited for something since my mexico trip. Something about traveling gets me all wound-up(in a good way).

Kevin's birthday tommorw, I'll be buying some of his drinks tommorw. It should be fun down in Rosarito, it always is. yummy dollar tacos and coronas with lime.

Okay so I figured out what tattoo I shall get...."The Earth Sings Mi Fa Mi"

Its the title of the new TREOS album, but it has such a cool concept behind it.

Its going to be running up one of my sides. just have to find a good font.

Explanation from brandon brown from the receiving end of sirens: Well the title is derived from a theory by an astronomical theorist by the name of Johannes Kepler. To make a long story short, he theorized, using his great knowledge of music theory and mathematics, that as all planets orbited the sun they produced certain tones. Therefore these tones, in relation with each other, created different musical relationships. As Venus and Earth orbited, Earth's slightly wavering tone and Venus' constant tone created the effect of a major 6th to minor 6th movement. In a certain mode these movements could be related to the syllables Mi Fa Mi, as in "do re mi fa so la ti do". Kepler further theorized that these syllables stood for Misery, Famine, Misery. Basically, the Earth sings misery, famine, misery. He wrote more in depth about this idea in a 5 part book titled "Harmonice Mundis", which translates to "The Harmonies of the World". Given the lyrical content of the upcoming record, and the general feeling of the music, and art around the record, the name seemed almost serendipitous. Famine relates a lot to the idea of how humans have grown accustomed to a constant want, and always growing thirst, an insatiable desire for more, a hunger so to speak. The sad truth is no one will ever be full through earthly pursuits. Famine. Misery is also true for the fulfilling of earthly desires. If all you are after is temporary pleasure you will end up sad. The things of this earth sing of misery and famine.

"Son fear is the heart of love"

I can't agree more with this. I am always scared that I am going to lose her...i dont know how, and I dont know when. I guess it's alot of uncertanity too....It is scary is all im saying. It is well worth it though. I can't imagine losing her....I would crumble.

If you decide to travel on the back on an animal with hearts for feet, it's better not to look were you're going.

circa survive's cd is coming soon ^_^

I'm studying for my bio midterm and it said that earthworms cant get up to 3 meters....wow. Thats fucking creepy.
That is a Giant Austrialian Earthworm.

So this quarter has been really interesting so far. My english class is alot of fun. she is this non-conformist lesbian that just talks about how manipulative Advertisments are and how you should always question everything. Which is creating alot more insight to my own personality. I have never been one to follow mainstream media and all its little trends. Well I would'nt say never. 6th I tried to be "cool" and found out how wrong it felt to be like that. Anyways. These past few months have been very introspective. I'm starting to learn to where my personality has been shaped and molded from. Its kinda creepy, but also exciting to know. My psych classes are what made the start and now this English class has taught me a few things about myself, but I am still trying to connect it all. I have always questioned the natural world ergo interested in bio. but never questioned myself and who I am. It almost has this fulfilling emotion to it. like your pieceing yourself together and almost feel rewarded for it. I think just more time and new experiences will help me find out who I am and what I shall make of myself in the future. I'd really like to find out what I am going to do with my life. I need to find something...soon. very soon. graduation is going to hit me soon than I will expect and I will be fucked in the end.

In other news, My music blog is coming along well. I am not sure if I want people to contribute. I might just make it personal because I want to share my interests in music with others and not just let it be another free albums blog. On the other hand, I feel obligated to give back to all I stole from and further the community with sharing tons of albums.

and other other news, Me and LaMonica are doing amazingly well. I couldn't ask for a better girl to be with.

so i havent had a real good post here in awhile now. Well pretty much, I passed calculus, so im pretty happy about that. so much stress is lifted off my shoulders now. im off contract and free to do what I please. next quarter is bio 5A, english 1C, and psych 1. I think I lost my clicker...i cant find it. :-(

things are still going great with lamonica, I couldnt be any happier at this moment. she is amazing. I always want to be with her.

umm I haven't seen my friends this whole spring break. probably because I usually do the planning and gathering of people, but didnt feel like making plans, even though i still want to hang out.

umm my mom's new restrurant is coming through. its called The Breakfast Club. lol i know... but she is only doing breakfast so she can still concentrate on her catering buisness, which is going off like crazy, last month she probably pulled in like 30,000 profit. Its amazing how well her buisness is finally going. She is bigger and better than ever.

Umm life is getting better, its not so blah now. Still pretty blah, but that girl makes me happy.

I have made my own music blog. You guys can go and download entire cds that I have uploaded.

Explosions For Your Mind

I will be posting at least 2 cd's a week, new and old.

10 days until my birthday. 20 years old. I got one more to go....